The Fanboy’s Fanblog

Hack writer Kyle Ward (okay, there’s not really a title called “hack writer”), “Kane & Lynch” and “Hitman 2″, is penning the film adaptation of the video game Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune.

My bet: The film will star Matthew McConaughey and Megan Fox.

Kyle Ward, Uwe Boll the second? The next Justin Marks? I think so. Kyle Ward: The new name to fear with infamy.

Whedonesque posted a link to io9 where apparently it was a slow news day.

No, that isn’t fair. Their article’s topic was interesting, but they couldn’t add any insight. No wonder I’ve never heard of them.

The topic was about six (just six) characters who may or may not have escaped virtual reality.

Intriguing premise… But what ruins their article is the lack of intelligence, insight, originality, or even sanity in author Alasdair Wilkins’ work. I suppose he’s just a college student writing articles for free like most of these contrived internet rants that people vomit up.

Here’s his list as he saw fit:

#1. Douglas Quaid, Total Recall

A good number one. At the end of the day most people take “Total Recall” as a brainless action movie. It doesn’t take itself as a serious mind bending twist ending kind of film, but people like to justify the movies they like; thus they tend to argue whether or not the movie’s real. Personally, I always believed it was real.

Wilkins thought the other way and made up the number “10%” that it was real. Why 10%? No real reason. It’s just the number he picked out of a hat.

#2. Sam Tyler, Life On Mars (US Version)

I actually caught this finale, but even I have to question its inclusion. The finale left no question that Sam was an astronaut in the future with father issues. But Wilkins throws out the number “30%” which doesn’t make a lick of sense.

#3. Neo, The Matrix

Again, Wilkins obviously doesn’t think too much with his brain as he specifies the first film. He actually alludes to the real scenario which involves “Matrix Reloaded” and NOT the first movie! It is the sequel that purely raised the question of The Matrix in The Matrix. Wilkins brushes it off as being because the sequels “sucked”. Wilkins, to say the sequels sucked is to say they were worse than the “Underworld” films and if you believe that, you not only don’t know a thing about pop culture, you don’t know jack$hit about films either.

#4. Buffy Summers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Wilkins refers to one episode in season six that supposed the whole series was a delusion of Buffy’s. However, Wilkins did something quite rare in that he explains why that theory was bullocks: Buffy would be brain dead given the medicine. But where Wilkins fails is that he still gives this scenario a “50%” out of nowhere. He just quashed the theory and then says ‘It could go either way!?’ This really just shows that his percentage system is based on nothing. I think this Wilkins fellow is really Mayor Wilkins…

#5. Batman, Batman: The Animated Series

I give him points for just remembering this episode. He of course says that there’s “98%” chance that it wasn’t real because Batman always wins. Oy… Wilkins… I now hate your name for all the other Wilkins in the world.

#6. Number Six, The Prisoner

Ah, “The Prisoner” the show that was the strangest spinoff in history. Wilkins tries to be smart about and as predicted fails miserable.

If I were grading Wilkins’ article like it was a college term paper, I’d give it (and the site that published it) a D+. It is incredibly below average, but I’ll give it a high D for being an interesting concept. However, he showed little effort, thought, or any coherence in his writing. Making up conclusions will get you nowhere in life. Thankfully, Alasdair Wilkins is trapped in virtual reality.